Monday, October 19, 2009

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall...tell me who I am've heard it before. She wants to reinvent herself, discover herself, figure out who she is and who she's not. She spends money on a new wardrobe, that she doesn't even really wear, on shoes, she doesn't even like, trying to create this persona that is supposed to convey the 'real' her. Yet, somehow she always falls flat. It doesn't work. She's too stuck in her routine. Stuck in the place she was prior to her unneeded shopping spree and attempt at self-discovery.

I use to be that girl. I won't lie to you. I've probably spent all of high school and last summer trying to figure out who I am. I always imagine this perfect persona, the one where I dress differently, style my hair differently, talk differently, and just have a brand-new personality.
It never works though. It just doesn't. Maybe it's because, I'm simply not capable of such a drastic thing and need to ease myself into, but I've come to learn that I no matter how much I keep trying to find myself, I keep falling flat. I just remain here, unchanged, feeling no differently than I had felt before. It's almost as if instead of being 'real' I became 'fake.'

So, I decided to give up on this whole discovery thing. This reinventing myself. I'm just going to remain myself. I'm going to embrace who I am and own up to my personality. I've come to realize that I can't be anything but myself, the person I was when I first started this self-discovery/reinvent myself campaign. If anything, I'm just gonna try to be the best me that I can be. That's final.

As to who I am...I'm Nicki Daniels. A 19 year old, young woman who believes in lust at first sight, has a boyfriend of 9 months, feels overwhelmed quite frequently since the start of my sophomore year of college, but will never admit it, and who feels like things have changed and can't tell if it's for the best or not.

This true purpose. I'll probably mostly ramble on and on about nothing in particular in this. Maybe not. Who knows where my mind will wonder and what I will feel compelled to right about. All I know is, starting out with a definite plan makes you sell yourself short. Your individuality comes from your spontaneity. Here's hoping I'm spontaneous enough.