Friday, October 30, 2009

Another Day Another Matter...

So I should be happy today because my mom just put some money in my account that was much needed. She's also sending out some things for me so I can finally get my paycheck from work. (I haven't gotten like two I assume cause I didn't have all my information together.)

So I should be rejoicing, right? Well I'm not.

I thought maybe I need a pick me upper, so I got dressed, threw on my favorite lipgloss on, the one I only wear when going go, threw on some leggings, which I don't wear often, a simple blue shirt, and earrings that I reserve for going out. Figured that would help lift my spirits, but it didn't. So I proceeded to stuffing my belly. (I mean, that usually works,) but it didn't.

To prove to you just how out of it I am, I washed my dishes, removed my trash from the room (didn't dispose of it outside though, but I will eventually.) made my bed, put away my clothes that I haven't put away in almost a week, and then plopped down on my bed and began to write this post. (Not that I only post new items to my blog when I'm depressed.)

Either way you choose to explain it, I'm just not feeling like myself. I don't know if it has to do with my dream or the way my boyfriend has been acting lately. I couldn't tell you which one it is, but whichever one it is, it has me all screwed up inside and listening to Beyonce's "Broken-hearted Girl" among some other title tracks about possible heartbreak.

Situation #1: The Boyfriend
Lately he hasn't been himself. He blames it on his home situation where him and his mom are at wits end with each other. He also blames it on the physical distance between us (him in ny, me in ct). He just wants me to be around him and with him and to never leave his side. I want to be with him too, but I don't know what I can possibly do to make him feel better. I feel like instead of moving forward, we're taking steps back to where we were at once upon a time. A time where I wasn't as sure of our relationship as I am now, but know my concerns are different. I feel like he's not telling me something, like he's leaving out some crucial detail that can help pull his story together and get me where I need to be to be able to help him through this.

Situation #2: The Dream
This is a strange one, so listen/read carefully so you don't get confused and I'll try not to confuse you as well. Basically, it's about the Facebook revolution that has caused everyone in my family to go out and reunite with each other over the internet. So, we're suppose to go out, my mom and me, but one of these long lost relatives who I don't know all that well (or at all for that matter) comes inside the house and asks me what is taking me so long to get ready. Apparently everyone is going out and I'm holding everyone up because I'm the only one in the house. I tell her that my mother has told me that I'm always hungry and I should grab something to eat to walk with. Magically out appears this woman's son, who is my cousin (don't ask how I made that connection) and who is also gay. But not gay as in he looks it. He is legit gay and he doesn't look remotely gay. Suddenly I'm in my dorm room and the room is changed around a bit, in regards to closets, shelves, and desks, but either way it looks kinda different, but I'm able to recognize it as my dorm. My boyfriend is there and I guess you could say we're all cuddly like normal, expect that my roommate isn't my roommate anymore, it's his ex. For some strange reason though, I don't feel uncomfortable about the situation,  her being there and seeing us like this. So, my boyfriend gets up from where he is on the bed with me and hands her this fish aquarium thing in a semi-bag and plastic bowl. She tosses it on her bed carelessly and he tells her it could break and that he plans on getting her something for some upcoming event of hers (a holiday, birthday, I honestly can't remember). She asks him what and he said that she can't expect him to tell her while his girlfriend (me) is in the room. At the sound of that, I excuse myself from the room, but keep close enough to the corner to try and hear what he tells her, but I don't because he's taking us to the movies, my cousin included. When we get the movie theater, which is the same one we went to in reality with the expect that we went another way to get there, we all get out the car to leave. I keep telling everyone my cousin is gay and now I'm not so sure if he is or if I just want him to be so my boyfriend's ex won't get any ideas. Anyway, so we sneak into the movie theater which apparently has a collection of glass doors that either lead you directly to the place where you have to pay or inside the theater itself. We decide not to pay (hence the sneaking) and go in through the side glass doors. This guy is banging on the door next to ours because apparently he was sitting in the balcony and he didn't have good seats. We figured this would be our excuse to if anyone asked what we are doing. We pass the concession stand and I ask for popcorn and my boyfriend buys some for me and we proceed to wandering around the theater, and then I wake up.

I know the dream is a bit confusing and I'm sorry. I just woke up from that feeling very uncertain about some things. Can you blame me? Or do you blame me for feeling some type of way and not knowing why? Either way, I'm not feeling like myself now and I'm worried and very concerned.