Monday, October 19, 2009

9 Months and Going Strong...

I love my boyfriend.

To be completely honest, a short few months ago I was saying that and not meaning it. I believed that if I said it enough, I'd mean, and that by stating it, I made it a fact, therefore it would have no choice but to become true.
It has only been recently that I've realized just how much I do love him and how much I was just going through the motions before that I was told I should go through, motions I wasn't even feeling. All I can say is, when it's right, you know it's right. There's no explaining it, there's no discussing it, it just is.

We don't have this great love story, for starters. We actually met online, via Facebook. We didn't have mutual friends, or at least none that we knew of. To be completely honest, our friends were mutual friends with each other, not with us. Isn't that funny.
Anyway, we met via Facebook. I was coming to the end of one relationship and my senior year of high school, college was around the corner, and I didn't want to be tied down to anyone. I figured, at the most, this would be a summer fling. It'd be short lived. To my surprise, it followed me to college.
I didn't want a relationship and as much as he asked, I always turned him down or persuaded him into not asking or giving me time, because I needed it. I needed to 'think' which really wasn't thinking, but more trying to figure out how I could squeeze potential boyfriends into my life and figuring out if they'd be good or not for me.
It didn't quite work, because before I could finish saying 'let's take a break,' we were talking again. Soon, he was visiting and you can't simply call a guy who comes all the way out to your college, spends the night in your bed, just a friend. I mean, even my best friends from back home didn't come to visit me as often as he did.
Pretty soon, it just felt like the thing to do. Maybe it was cuffing season getting the best of me, or perhaps the fact that I had exhausted every outlet I imagined to search for a potential boyfriend in and no one seemed to fit, or if they did, they weren't an option. So, I started dating him.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I questioned our relationship. I think I picked fights with him, got mad intentionally with no reason to get mad, just so I could have that space and perhaps still keep my eye out. I guess, soon enough the fighting turned into real fighting and the question of whether or not it was worth holding onto, became a serious matter.
Shortly afterwards, we spent a night together and that was it for me. I realized that I was in love, or I fell in love. Either way, I was in it and didn't want to leave it. So, I guess you can say, all the time we spend together now, just isn't enough for me. Maybe it's because I didn't really care about it before the way I do now.
But to sum it up, I'm in love and I'm happy. My worst fear is him leaving me, not just leaving me but breaking my heart. That's all I really have to say about it.