If you didn't know before, now you know...

So last night I couldn't be happier to know that my girls from high school still have my back and a shoulder for me to lean on.

I have to give the most SHOUT OUTS to CARLENE for being there for me, even though I was trying to be there for her. Trust me, she knows how to flip the script and get you talking about what's wrong with you when you're trying to figure out if everything is ok with her. But I have to love her.

I can't exactly explain why, but lately I've been depressed. Maybe it's because life is moving fast and the reality that sooner than I can realize I'll be on my own in a world in search of a career has me scared. I couldn't really tell. Maybe it's the fact that I feel like my relationship with my boyfriend is the actual thing and the constant distance between us when he leaves is killing me slowly inside because I realize I can't live without him. Or perhaps its the sudden realization that life is just too much to handle. Too many responsibilities and decisions to make and no one telling me which one is the best one, because I need to learn from my mistakes. Either way, I've been feeling depressed.

Last night/early this morning we had quite the talk. I'm not sure if I put everything down on the table to look at, but when your heart feels heavy, you feel this emptiness, and tears on the verge of falling from your face, you put the first things that pop into your mind on the table, hoping they don't reveal too much and hoping that these are factors.
We tried to talk about it all or at least talked about it to the point, I now had questions to think about to myself as I went to sleep. I also had to turn it back on her and see what was wrong, and I guess you could say it was the same thing minus the relationship aspect. Life.
Growing up in a home where your mother made your most important decisions and fought with you over the little ones, so that when you got them you thought you were really making an impact, is difficult. You get to the real world and you don't know what to do or say. You get caught up. And quite frankly, life is scary.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for all this growing up, but if you see me depressed that's probably why. If you didn't know I was depressed, now you know and now you know why.

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall...tell me who I am

...you've heard it before. She wants to reinvent herself, discover herself, figure out who she is and who she's not. She spends money on a new wardrobe, that she doesn't even really wear, on shoes, she doesn't even like, trying to create this persona that is supposed to convey the 'real' her. Yet, somehow she always falls flat. It doesn't work. She's too stuck in her routine. Stuck in the place she was prior to her unneeded shopping spree and attempt at self-discovery.

I use to be that girl. I won't lie to you. I've probably spent all of high school and last summer trying to figure out who I am. I always imagine this perfect persona, the one where I dress differently, style my hair differently, talk differently, and just have a brand-new personality.

It never works though. It just doesn't. Maybe it's because, I'm simply not capable of such a drastic thing and need to ease myself into, but I've come to learn that I no matter how much I keep trying to find myself, I keep falling flat. I just remain here, unchanged, feeling no differently than I had felt before. It's almost as if instead of being 'real' I became 'fake.'

So, I decided to give up on this whole discovery thing. This reinventing myself. I'm just going to remain myself. I'm going to embrace who I am and own up to my personality. I've come to realize that I can't be anything but myself, the person I was when I first started this self-discovery/reinvent myself campaign. If anything, I'm just gonna try to be the best me that I can be. That's final.

As to who I am...I'm Nicki Daniels. A 19 year old, young woman who believes in lust at first sight, has a boyfriend of 9 months, feels overwhelmed quite frequently since the start of my sophomore year of college, but will never admit it, and who feels like things have changed and can't tell if it's for the best or not.

This blog...no true purpose. I'll probably mostly ramble on and on about nothing in particular in this. Maybe not. Who knows where my mind will wonder and what I will feel compelled to right about. All I know is, starting out with a definite plan makes you sell yourself short. Your individuality comes from your spontaneity. Here's hoping I'm spontaneous enough.