If you didn't know before, now you know...

So last night I couldn't be happier to know that my girls from high school still have my back and a shoulder for me to lean on.

I have to give the most SHOUT OUTS to CARLENE for being there for me, even though I was trying to be there for her. Trust me, she knows how to flip the script and get you talking about what's wrong with you when you're trying to figure out if everything is ok with her. But I have to love her.

I can't exactly explain why, but lately I've been depressed. Maybe it's because life is moving fast and the reality that sooner than I can realize I'll be on my own in a world in search of a career has me scared. I couldn't really tell. Maybe it's the fact that I feel like my relationship with my boyfriend is the actual thing and the constant distance between us when he leaves is killing me slowly inside because I realize I can't live without him. Or perhaps its the sudden realization that life is just too much to handle. Too many responsibilities and decisions to make and no one telling me which one is the best one, because I need to learn from my mistakes. Either way, I've been feeling depressed.

Last night/early this morning we had quite the talk. I'm not sure if I put everything down on the table to look at, but when your heart feels heavy, you feel this emptiness, and tears on the verge of falling from your face, you put the first things that pop into your mind on the table, hoping they don't reveal too much and hoping that these are factors.
We tried to talk about it all or at least talked about it to the point, I now had questions to think about to myself as I went to sleep. I also had to turn it back on her and see what was wrong, and I guess you could say it was the same thing minus the relationship aspect. Life.
Growing up in a home where your mother made your most important decisions and fought with you over the little ones, so that when you got them you thought you were really making an impact, is difficult. You get to the real world and you don't know what to do or say. You get caught up. And quite frankly, life is scary.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for all this growing up, but if you see me depressed that's probably why. If you didn't know I was depressed, now you know and now you know why.

Hawaii in the next 10 years

I don't know when or exactly why, but somewhere between the time I was born until now, I decided that I was going to move to Hawaii and live out there for 5 years and then move back to New York before settling in perhaps another state that I found more suitable to my taste.

Don't get me wrong, I love New York, it's the state I was born and raised in and I can't live without the city life, I'm so use to it that it'd be impossible to move some place where everything closes at 6pm and there's no lights at night. I don't know why, but I figure that Hawaii would have some sort of night life, hopefully.

Well, I talked this over with my boyfriend, and to put it quite frankly, he liked the idea but didn't think it was practical. He wants to open up a car shop and work there as a mechanic and just picking up and leaving and moving out of state and kinda out of the country wouldn't work for his career choice. I understand that completely, but I hate being tied down to one place for too long with no real purpose or destination, such as New York, hence my transition to a college in Connecticut.
So, I made an agreement with him that we'd only live out there for 2 and a half years instead of the 5 I originally wanted to be out there for. (We naturally assume we'll be married by the time we make the transition.)

I guess in short, I'm coming to realize that I like to move around. I like switching it up, making a name for myself and then going somewhere and starting from scratch all over again. Prior to college I would have never said that. I thought I hated meeting people and getting acquainted with different groups, but I realized that when it comes to adjusting, I force myself to make friends with at least one person who I can share my thoughts with. I'm pretty good at just blabbing to people I don't really know to establish a connection and becoming friends with them afterwards. I just have to work on maintaining friendships. I'm not too good at that.

But I just figured that was something worth sharing or at least discovery about myself.