Black Culture

I don't know why, but one minute I'm not doing much but rolling around in bed and the next thing I know I'm thinking about the Black Culture. Maybe it was because of the BSU meeting today where a professor came in and talked about one of the courses he's teaching in the spring about urban communities, making them better, designing them, and improving the area that we live in. Maybe that struck a chord, or maybe it was Gabby's (a.k.a my ex-wife. lol.) talk about professionalism and how we need to be more professional at our meetings inside of shouting over each other. She raised very good points that seem to combat all the reasons people tried to throw at her. But I started thinking to myself...

What happened to our Black Culture?

I kinda wish I could write a paper on this because I'm feeling all sorts of ways over it and it's really eating at me. I read a novel not to long ago that discussed the transition from generation to generation and the changing of the culture. The novel was entitled "Long Distance Life" by Marita Golden. I suggest you read it. But back to my question and my thoughts.

I feel like my generation and perhaps the one before it as well (thinking about the generation my older sister falls into) doesn't really care about our past and how far we've come as group. We never make a point to reference the struggle of those days unless it's during Black History month. The only struggle we ever make reference to is getting out of the ghetto and making money, which compared to the struggle of our grandparents isn't even a struggle. I feel like music and movies that feature, are directed by, and produced by Black people don't show how we're moving forward and continuing to make history. They all show us just accepting where we are at and not trying to go anywhere unless money is guaranteed in the process. Maybe that thought is wrong, but I feel like unless you wave the aspect of getting rich in front of someone in my generation they're not going to take any incentives to make a change.
It scares me when I think about it in perspective to when we get older and I have children. What kind of world would I be bringing them into, where the people of my generation are just settling?
Hip-hop music was designed to show that we had thoughts and opinions. It was a way of us letting the world know that we weren't stupid and unaware of what is going on. Now the music is all about who has the most money and fame, sex, violence, and drug. Occasionally you'll get the song about their struggle growing up, but nothing in their lyrics speaks much towards empowerment or how we should progress to become better than we are right now.
Honestly, I believe if Barack Obama wasn't running for President, many people in my generation wouldn't even care or bothered to register to vote. They've forgotten just how much of an impact they can make simply because they think they don't have to because it was done already for them.

What happened to the Black Culture?

The Black Culture my parents grew up in, where they watched their parents experience racism, actual racism. Not this culture where my generation simply tosses the word around calling people racist because they say something they didn't like. Accusing people of racist tendencies if they are denied something. It's almost as if my generation is using excuses to get what they want and sadly some people are giving it to them for that main reason. No one wants to be called a racist in this time and age, and if you get called one, you'll do everything to have the person who said it to you take it back. That's what my generation is doing. They are forcing people to give them things they often times don't deserve just by calling them racist.
We also don't have respect for each other. You can't have a culture unless you have respect and I feel like my generation has neither. We don't have respect for each other. We are constantly going after each other in one way or another. We are constantly trying to hold each other back from achieving things and labeling those of us that decide to achieve things. No one wants to be called uppity or bourgeois, yet that's the label given to us that want to have a better life and don't want to settle. No wonder some of us have taken on the label and kept it moving with our nose in the air and not a care in the world to what happens to those who gave us the label.
I feel like my generation has lost respect for all that has come before them. It's sad, but in my mind it's also true.

I just want to know what happened to our Black Culture? Is it still around? Twenty years from now, will be ok with the fact that this is our culture?

I mean, I can say if it wasn't for the black culture we have now, our full figured women probably would never be recognized. Other than that, I can't see anything that my generation has done with our culture to make it a better one.

I think we're settling, forgetting, and disrespecting our rich heritage.

Another Day Another Matter...

So I should be happy today because my mom just put some money in my account that was much needed. She's also sending out some things for me so I can finally get my paycheck from work. (I haven't gotten like two I assume cause I didn't have all my information together.)

So I should be rejoicing, right? Well I'm not.

I thought maybe I need a pick me upper, so I got dressed, threw on my favorite lipgloss on, the one I only wear when going go, threw on some leggings, which I don't wear often, a simple blue shirt, and earrings that I reserve for going out. Figured that would help lift my spirits, but it didn't. So I proceeded to stuffing my belly. (I mean, that usually works,) but it didn't.

To prove to you just how out of it I am, I washed my dishes, removed my trash from the room (didn't dispose of it outside though, but I will eventually.) made my bed, put away my clothes that I haven't put away in almost a week, and then plopped down on my bed and began to write this post. (Not that I only post new items to my blog when I'm depressed.)

Either way you choose to explain it, I'm just not feeling like myself. I don't know if it has to do with my dream or the way my boyfriend has been acting lately. I couldn't tell you which one it is, but whichever one it is, it has me all screwed up inside and listening to Beyonce's "Broken-hearted Girl" among some other title tracks about possible heartbreak.

Situation #1: The Boyfriend
Lately he hasn't been himself. He blames it on his home situation where him and his mom are at wits end with each other. He also blames it on the physical distance between us (him in ny, me in ct). He just wants me to be around him and with him and to never leave his side. I want to be with him too, but I don't know what I can possibly do to make him feel better. I feel like instead of moving forward, we're taking steps back to where we were at once upon a time. A time where I wasn't as sure of our relationship as I am now, but know my concerns are different. I feel like he's not telling me something, like he's leaving out some crucial detail that can help pull his story together and get me where I need to be to be able to help him through this.

Situation #2: The Dream
This is a strange one, so listen/read carefully so you don't get confused and I'll try not to confuse you as well. Basically, it's about the Facebook revolution that has caused everyone in my family to go out and reunite with each other over the internet. So, we're suppose to go out, my mom and me, but one of these long lost relatives who I don't know all that well (or at all for that matter) comes inside the house and asks me what is taking me so long to get ready. Apparently everyone is going out and I'm holding everyone up because I'm the only one in the house. I tell her that my mother has told me that I'm always hungry and I should grab something to eat to walk with. Magically out appears this woman's son, who is my cousin (don't ask how I made that connection) and who is also gay. But not gay as in he looks it. He is legit gay and he doesn't look remotely gay. Suddenly I'm in my dorm room and the room is changed around a bit, in regards to closets, shelves, and desks, but either way it looks kinda different, but I'm able to recognize it as my dorm. My boyfriend is there and I guess you could say we're all cuddly like normal, expect that my roommate isn't my roommate anymore, it's his ex. For some strange reason though, I don't feel uncomfortable about the situation,  her being there and seeing us like this. So, my boyfriend gets up from where he is on the bed with me and hands her this fish aquarium thing in a semi-bag and plastic bowl. She tosses it on her bed carelessly and he tells her it could break and that he plans on getting her something for some upcoming event of hers (a holiday, birthday, I honestly can't remember). She asks him what and he said that she can't expect him to tell her while his girlfriend (me) is in the room. At the sound of that, I excuse myself from the room, but keep close enough to the corner to try and hear what he tells her, but I don't because he's taking us to the movies, my cousin included. When we get the movie theater, which is the same one we went to in reality with the expect that we went another way to get there, we all get out the car to leave. I keep telling everyone my cousin is gay and now I'm not so sure if he is or if I just want him to be so my boyfriend's ex won't get any ideas. Anyway, so we sneak into the movie theater which apparently has a collection of glass doors that either lead you directly to the place where you have to pay or inside the theater itself. We decide not to pay (hence the sneaking) and go in through the side glass doors. This guy is banging on the door next to ours because apparently he was sitting in the balcony and he didn't have good seats. We figured this would be our excuse to if anyone asked what we are doing. We pass the concession stand and I ask for popcorn and my boyfriend buys some for me and we proceed to wandering around the theater, and then I wake up.

I know the dream is a bit confusing and I'm sorry. I just woke up from that feeling very uncertain about some things. Can you blame me? Or do you blame me for feeling some type of way and not knowing why? Either way, I'm not feeling like myself now and I'm worried and very concerned.

Some of the Craziest Dreams

For as long as I can remember, my friend and I always talked about how psychic my dreams are. This does not mean that all my dreams come true, because I do have some pretty out there dreams that I know for a fact will probably never come true, but for the longest I've been trying to decipher my dreams.

As I was taking a nap today, I had quite the dream, that got me thinking. I mean, I love my boyfriend, but there is still that question in my mind about whether or not if a certain person stepped up to the plate if I would even be dating my boyfriend right now. But, now to the dream:

I'm pretty much on campus and I'm walking around and out of nowhere Don* comes up to me and starts taking me somewhere. I'm not worried, because I pretty much know where he'd be taking me, but I'm a little surprised.
From what I recall (that is not from dreamer's road) is that he has a girlfriend on campus and there's another girl he has more interest in than me. I was merely one of the first girls he meet on campus.
We're just walking around the campus together as people we know and some that I don't know, who he apparently does, shout out to him and talk to him. I'm being pretty quiet because I'm trying to figure out what brought this on. Never in a million years would I have imagined him doing something like that.
Before long, we're laying on the cement. Don't ask me how we got there, but either way, we're both laying down on it and he's kissing my neck and squeezing my leg, and needless to say I'm getting very hot. But I guess you can say reality strikes in the dream and I start thinking about his girlfriend and that girl he supposedly really likes that I'm friends with. You would think I'd think about my relationship, but I don't. Basically, I push him off of me (which was really hard to do both physically, mentally, and emotionally) and ask him why he's doing this. I question his faithfulness to his girlfriend, ask about my friend, and then try to figure out why all this attention for me? I mean, just last semester he wasn't really talking to me. Either way, he doesn't have an answer and I'm kinda upset infuriated. I want him to say that this all a joke, that he really wanted me, but he doesn't. So now I'm sitting on the ground looking at him, trying to figure out why I'm his last resort choice, the girl he goes to when he can't go to anyone else, and feel used and abused.

Then I woke up.

Just thinking about the dream has me feeling some type of way about a person I shouldn't be feeling any type of way over. I thought I was over that, but apparently I'm not. Maybe it's because he's a Pisces and I have terrible luck when it comes to Pisces. I mean, I'm always falling for them, but they always have interests elsewhere.

(*=not actual name)